All by Myself

As my other half just started his two week reservist, I’m now taking care of baby Calvin all by myself. It’s incredibly stressful especially since he’s been rejecting feeds recently and I’m not exactly sure why. Yesterday night, he was obviously hungry and screaming but when I put the bottle to his mouth, he would cry inconsolably and struggle to get the teat out of his mouth. I really don’t know why and it is so frustrating. I ended up having to keep the teat in his mouth despite his protests and he finally started to drink and slowly calmed down. I wonder if I’m just forcing him to feed when he doesn’t want to but he was clearly hungry. Sigh, I felt really bad about it, like I’m such a terrible mum. I wonder if he will develop some trauma about feeding.

Anyway, Johnny didn’t manage to get into the phd programs that he applied to. Guess we should have included some safety schools rather than just the top programs. The setback was a bit disappointing but it’s probably a blessing in disguise because I’m not sure I can handle taking care of a baby all on my own overseas. So we will most likely try again next year and see where that takes us.

I really can’t imagine having two kids now especially since we hate having a maid around the house. If we have another baby within 2-3 years, I’ll have to take care of a toddler and a baby at the same time. I think I’ll go insane. On the other hand, if we waited 5 years when Calvin is more independent, I can’t imagine having to start this whole process all over again. Plus the whole point of having more than one child was so that they have companionship. With the age gap so big, I doubt they would have much fun with each other. Plus, the selfish side of me is telling me that I really want to have my life back. I really do miss our couple time together. Now I’m just looking forward to Calvin being bigger and we can have family time instead.

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