Smelling all but the Roses

Now that I rationally think about it, I’ve been worrying a lot ever since I gave birth. In fact, I would even say excessively. I wonder if the experience of delivering prematurely has shocked me into having some kind of anxiety disorder. I hesitate to think about mind problems as an illness that you treat, I’d rather think of it is a pervasive behaviorial habit that needs to be broken out out.

Recently, I’ve been feeling more anxious than ever because of the big changes to our lives soon. I think the stress of working + taking care of Calvin (who was again down with a high fever this week, luckily he recovered after one day) is probably adding to my overall anxiety levels.

So one of the suggested ways to alleviate the problem is to write them down for the future so that I can postpone the problem. So what am I worrying about now….

1. Wondering if I’ll be able to handle being a stay at home mom. 

Will I be able to teach Calvin well? Will I be able to take care of Calvin and be a total Martha Stewart…… (I’m hearing resounding ‘No’s in my head. Fine, scrap the martha bit).

2. Will we be able to survive financially on almost no income?

Well, yes we can. It’s just a matter of how much we’ll dip into our savings. That’s the part which gets me worrying about saving money and how I should cook *every single day* and make sure *every* meal is nutritious. And I have to admit I’m a pretty inept cook though at least cooking for Calvin has expanded my capabilities a little 🙂 In my head, even though we don’t have to scrimp and save or live on borrowed money, the idea that I *have* to save is stuck in my head, giving me additional stress when I least need it.

3. Wondering what J will be doing after he completes his PhD

Quite a pointless worry if I may say so myself but I can’t help but think about what kind of jobs he should be working towards i.e. consultancy or academia?

4. Wondering what I’ll do after J completes his PhD and Calvin goes to school

Will I be able to reenter the workforce? Will I want to? What else do I want to do with my life? Should I study? Trade stocks? Volunteer? Start a business? Write a book? I guess I feel worried because by then, it’ll be hard to go back to work and I really don’t think I’m that keen to work in a corporate environment.

5. Is Calvin going to be ok? Is he developmentally slow?

He’s been mostly sick for the past month of so, with only 1 or 2 days in between illnesses. I’ve heard people say it’s normal for kids to fall sick a lot at childcare. I wonder if this will go towards his quota of sicknesses if we take him out of childcare. He’s still not talking and walking and that does give me some general worry at the back of my head though I’ve acknowledged that there’s nothing I can do to propel him forwards. I can only patiently wait for my little sprout to grow up.

Seriously I think my worries are quite pointless but I can’t help but go over the same issues over and over again. I think I definitely need to break out of this. I definitely don’t remember being such a worry wart before childbirth. Maybe it’s really an after effect of the sudden unprepared labor process, making me feel very insecure about life in general and out of control.

On the bright side, I’ve been making concrete plans for myself in the coming year. I’m trying to have some time for myself so I’ll remain sane. I’ve been contemplating becoming a speech language pathologist in the future, so I’m planning to volunteer at the pediatric clinic to see if it’ll really be my cup of tea. My 2nd project will be to have a babysitting exchange with neighbours if possible so we can have a night  or two of couple time a week. It’s a great adventure coming up and it’s really quite exciting even if there’s a lot of logistics to take care of first — which of course will fall into my lap!