Impatience

I was always an impatient person. (Maybe I should stop labeling myself that way. Maybe i’m using it as an excuse to not try to change myself.) I hated waiting in queues. I’m always rushing to finish my homework. I snap at people when i’m working on something I is important on something and as much as talk to me. Well, reading this article, I think the characteristics pretty much fit me…

The thing is, I feel bad after I am impatient with others, especially so with those closest to me who has to deal with my flashes of temper when things aren’t going as I planned. Like this afternoon, when Calvin spilled milk on the floor. I wasn’t mad at him for spilling it. It was when he started flapping the towel to wipe up the milk, making more of a mess than cleaning up that I stated fuming inside and I was more brusque with him than I would have liked. I was trying to assure him that it was not a big deal, that accidents happened but it really annoyed me when I felt like he wasn’t doing a proper job cleaning up. On hindsight, I guess to a three year old, even cleaning up is a fun activity to experiment with. He ended up not even drinking the rest of the milk and I was so frustrated with myself and him that I started lecturing him about not asking for milk if he wasn’t going to drink it. I felt terrible when I saw him reluctantly try to drink some of it and later was asking me if I could play with him. Though I had to put him off a little to clean up the carpet and get his snack, I did play with him before I started cooking dinner.

I still wished I could do better than I did. Like if I could calmly tell him the right way to do things and put aside things I think has to be done now to tend to him. Sometimes, I feel resentful that I have to be selfless that I am more a wife and mother than I am just myself. I think I need to tell myself to slow down and that it’s okay if I don’t do the things I want to get done. That it’s not the end of the world if I can’t get dinner ready. That it’s okay if I’m not a perfect. That sometimes I just need time for myself.

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