Archive for October, 2017

Busy

October 31, 2017

I’ve been more busy than ever this year, with way too many ‘projects’ that I have for myself. For one, the whole PTA project is taking up way more of my time than I had thought and it’s also a lot less enjoyable as well. Dealing with people reminds me of the differences in others that bothers me – a tendency to favor convenience over accuracy and correctness. It kinda scares me that people who seem fairly comfortable with numbers (I’m assuming since they volunteered for the task) making such fundamental errors. I’m definitely not continuing this experiment next year. Well, at least I tried.

I’m still trying to figure out if I want to go back to work and what I would do if I were. So I’m brushing up some technical skills in the meantime, just to see how much I like it. Half the time, I feel like I’m learning something that won’t ever get used and I get discouraged., but it all has to start somewhere.

I’m trying to practice my social skills by putting myself out there to be with other parents. Sometimes I worry that I’m acting too…… desperate but I’m trying my best and if it doesn’t work, then that’s a learning experience in itself. Really, the worst that can happen are some wasted hours and a bruised self esteem. I think now that I have found my wonderful soulmate, I feel strong enough to venture out and just try. I’ve been learning more about myself and also to be kinder to myself when I’m clumsy or make mistakes. I think I’m in a good place though I still get so anxious that I can’t fall asleep some nights (that or it was the double cups of Chinese tea I drank right before I slept…..)

I’m still reading a wide assortment of parenting, psychology and motivation books so I could be a better life coach and mother.

I guess when there’s so much you are excited and want to do, that’s what makes you feel alive.

 

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Fighting with Self Doubt

October 21, 2017

It’s funny how in the process of learning about how best to help my little guy, I learn more about myself because we are so similar in temperament. That motivated me to change myself because I want to help him be the best him he could be and venture out bravely to try new things. It feels hypocritical to not believe in what I preach and hence I started my adventures this year.

For one, I’m definitely socially awkward, in part because I’ve found it such a pain to deal with people in unscripted settings that I’ve avoided most of it. Just like cooking, I’m not aspiring to reach the pinnacle of sociability but I hope that I’ll grow confident of my skills if I keep on practicing them.

I find that I’m often battling between my desire to avoid conflict and my principles of doing what is right. Does that make me inflexible? I guess along the way, I’ll botch many of my encounters, just like how some meals get ruined as I try out new things,  and with good intentions in my heart, I’ll just have to forge forward and be satisfied with it. I’ll certainly not get better if I cloister myself. I’ll pat myself on the back for making the effort to socialize with people where the old me would excuse myself in assorted ways to avoid that awkward feeling of uncertainty.  There are days when I get sick of having to deal with others and wish I didn’t choose to do challenge and I should be kind to myself if I need a break.

 

It’s Ok to be Me

October 10, 2017

Sometimes, I go through the wildest feelings of happiness and contentment and then at times, a general pessimism and hopelessness that everything will not go right and that I really want to give up right now. Sometimes I think that perhaps everyone feels that way and hide their negativity so that others only see the sunny side of things. On the hand, I’ve often found that people generally think quite differently from me. I vacillate between that feeling that maybe everyone is kinda similar but also quite alien.  Perhaps the answer lies in between – that there are more like me than I know it but probably not very common.

I think sometimes I just need to feel like I’m me, I’m different and it’s ok. I used to think it was ironic that people want to be unique but at the same time, want to be just like everyone else. Now I know it’s because what we really want is to be truly ourselves and be accepted despite the differences.

So I’m working on finding people who will accept me for who I am. I’ll probably fail many times and feel hurt and scared in the process, but I think I’ll be ok. I think I’m finally brave enough to keep forging forward.